The Great Valuan Pie Festival
by Kirala
Summary: Dyne takes the kids on a fun family outing! Rated for a few bad words...


Ahoy mateys! This is my very first fanfic ever, I hope you like it! My sister and I write these together, her stories will be posted under the name Urala (go figure) sometime soon, but for now enjoy this one!

I do not own Skies of Arcadia, the wonderful people at Sega and Overworks do.

**The Great Valuan Pie Festival**

It was early one Saturday morning on Pirate Isle. Vyse's Mother was busily fixing a breakfast of delicious, nutritious Cap'n Crunch for Vyse and Aika. They needed to eat a good breakfast because they were going to have a very busy day today! They were going on a "family outing" to… The Great Valuan Pie Festival! The Great Valuan Pie Festival was the highlight of the Valuan year. It was the only time when the Grand Fortress was opened up all day and anyone could come in, no passport required. People came from all around to enjoy the carnival rides, magicians, games, shows, and, of course, Valua's famous pies. The Festival lasted all week long, and today was the last day, the Grand Finale, if you will. It was really the only time that the Valuans were ever nice, but they figured that they would do anything to share their love of pie. Suffice it to say that this was the MOST EXCITED Vyse and Aika had ever been (and they are very excitable on their own) since this was the first year they were being allowed to go.

"Hurry up, Vyse! You eat too slow!" squealed Aika, bouncing in her chair.

Vyse was carefully making sure that he was only eating the yellow pieces, and leaving the crunch berries until the very end. He always ate his food this way. It annoyed Aika very much. "Shove it all in, hurry!" she yelled in his ear.

"Stop it! That was my ear, you doodie head! I have to eat like this!" he screamed back with a mouthful of Cap'n Crunch, spraying Aika with yellow crumbs.

"YUCK! Vyse's Mother, Vyse just spit on me!" Aika shouted. She smacked Vyse on the back of his head, causing him to spill his cereal.

"Now kids," Vyse's Mother kindly said with a smile, "fighting is not nice. You two should hurry up and get ready or daddy will leave without you."

"I need another bowl of cereal, cause SOMEONE spilled mine," whined Vyse, flicking a soggy crunch berry at Aika. It landed right in the middle of her forehead. She lunged at Vyse, who was laughing hysterically, and punched him in the gut, causing him to gag and choke. Aika laughed and ran out the door to go and sit in the boat like a good little girl. On her way out the door, she passed Dyne, who was on his way inside.

"Hey Cap'n Crunch, Vyse is causing trouble again! You better get him!" she called over her shoulder. Dyne looked at Vyse, who was sitting on the kitchen floor in the middle of a huge puddle of milk and soggy cereal which was slowly being ground into the floor.

"Stupid kid, what have you done this time! Playing with your food again! You know, some kids are starving, and here you are wasting food! You should be ashamed!" hollered Dyne.

"It was Aika! She punched me and made me spill! Why is it always my fault!" huffed Vyse, still trying to catch his breath.

"How could little Aika do something like that to you? You always try to blame her. You should feel sorry for her because her parents are dead!And besides, you shouldn't let a girl beat you up, you pansy." Dyne said. He picked up Vyse and threw him upstairs. "Go change your clothes, we're running late!"

Vyse's Mother just squinted and smiled.

Thankfully, there were no more setbacks, and Vyse and Aika were now more or less happily sitting in the back seat, ready for some fun and adventure. They had some coloring books, their Pokemon cards, and some juice boxes, all ready for the long trip. Dyne was shoving stuff into the trunk, and Vyse's Mother was standing next to him, squinting and smiling.

"Honey, I'm going to visit thefacilities before we go so we don't have to stop on our way there. Does anyone else need to go?" She smiled at the kids.

"Nope!" Said Vyse, happily drinking his Capri Sun as fast as he could.

"Nope!" Said Aika, also happily drinking a Capri Sun as fast as humanly possible.

'OK then, I'll be right back!" She wandered back in the general direction of the house, humming a jolly tune.

Dyne climbed into the drivers seat and turned around.

"You kids better be good today, or I am never taking you anywhere else again. And I mean it, too." He threatened. Vyse and Aika grinned back at him.

"We will!" they replied. Nothing else happened for about ten minutes. Dyne noticed the kids getting fidgety back there, and he started to wonder what was taking his wife so long.

"Hang on, I need to go find your mother," and he climbed out of the boat. Vyse and Aika watched him go.

"I bet we will never get there. It will all be over by the time we get there!" Aika complained. "Your family takes too long to get anywhere."

"Nu-uh. Don't worry, we'll leave soon." Vyse was peering out the window looking at the front door of the house.

Meanwhile, Dyne knocked on the bathroom door.

"Is everything alright in there, or did you fall in?" he said through the door.

"Oh, um, darling, I think you should take the kids and go without me. I'm having some tummy problems. It must have been something I ate… I'm really sorry…" said Vyse's Mother. She was sitting in a bubble bath reading a book, with candles lit all around the room. She was very relaxed.

"WHAT! You've got to be shitting me! There is no way I can manage those two wild things all day long! Let me come in!" he rattled the door knob.

"Um, um, no! It's…um…really stinky!" she said. A could of cucumber melon steam wafted past. "I can take care of it! And the kids will be so disappointed if they don't go. You three have a good time so you can tell me all about it when you get back."

"Absolutely not! There is something fishy about this, open the door!" he pounded on the door.

"DYNE! Stop being a baby! You take those children to Valua and eat lots of pie for me! Do it! Do it now!" Vyse's Mother was getting very nervous. The last thing she wanted was for the lock to come undone, and then the jig was up. She would be stuck watching the kids all day while her husband had all the fun.

"FINE! But if I come back with a dead kid, don't blame me!" he kicked the door in anger and stormed away. Vyse's Mother listened to him stomp to the front door and slam it as hard as he could. A picture fell off the wall. It was Vyse's baby picture. She opened her book, and squinted and smiled at her good luck.

A very angry Dyne huffed and puffed across the yard to the boat. Vyse watched him stomp closer and closer.

"Uh oh, Dad is in a bad mood. Better watch out!" he managed to warn Aika before Dyne jerked open the door.

"Listen up! Your mother is having some, uh, bathroom issues, so she will not be joining us on this fun little…" his nostrils flared dangerously, "…outing. So that means no funny business, got it? You two will never be out of arm's reach of me at any time. In fact…" he smiled to himself. "I think I have the perfect solution, heh heh…" He started the engine.

Vyse and Aika exchanged a glance and then quickly looked out the window. It would have been dangerous to make eye contact with dad at the moment.

They hadn't been on the, uh, road (of sorts) for more than ten minutes when Vyse found the courage to speak.

"Dad… can we listen to some music?" he said quietly, lest he anger Dyne.

"Sure, whatever… What do you want to listen to?" Dyne asked. Music would be a good idea. It would calm him down, and keep the brats quiet. Two birds, one stone.

"Oh! Oh! I know which one!" giggled Aika. "150 Greatest Kid Songs!"

"YEAH! That's the best!" agreed Vyse.

"Oh lord, no. No. Anything but that. How about the radio?" suggested Dyne.

"I would rather have no music than listen to the dumb radio." complained Vyse.

"Fine. Have it your way. No music."

They continued on in silence for awhile. Aika leaned over and whispered to Vyse, "We should sing our own music! Won't your dad be surprised?"

Vyse smiled. "I know the perfect song!"

And so they began to sing- "If everybody, Works together, We can live in a, HAP-PY LAAAAAND!" It was an original song, Vyse made it up himself, and it was his favorite. He liked to sing it all the time. Usually before meals, no one could eat until they had sat through several renditions of it. Unfortunately, he did not have anything with which to make the sound effects between the verses, so the effect was diminished. I'm sure you can imagine, though. Dyne gripped the wheel a little harder.

"If everybody, Works together, We can live in a HAP-PY LAAAAAND!"

"If everybody, Works together, We can live in a HAP-PY LAAAAAAND!"

"IF EVERYBODY, WORKS TOGETHER, WE CAN LIVE IN A HAP-PY LAAAAAAAAAND!" They were getting progressively louder.

"STOP! Fine!" Dyne fumbled for the 150 Kid Songs CD. "We can listen to the Kid CD! All 150 of them!" He pushed the brightly colored CD into the slot.

"Heeeeey kids! Are you ready to SING!" shrieked the narrator.

"YEAH!" Vyse and Aika screamed at the top of their lungs.

"The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah, the ants go marching one by one, hurrah! Hurrah! That ants go marching one, the little one stops to suck his thumb, and they all go marching down! to the ground! to get out of the rain! Bum bum bum…"

"Only nine more verses to go…" Dyne gritted his teeth. "I guess it could be worse." After sitting through an hour of the happiest songs imaginable, the inevitable happened.

"Hey Cap'n Crunch, I have to go potty." said Aika. She crossed her legs.

"How bad?" Dyne stole a glance in the rearview mirror. Aika grabbed her crotch.

"BAD! I havfta go NOW!" It was clearly an emergency.

"Well, it's not like I can just pull over! I knew you shouldn't have sucked down that crappy juice in a bag! Hold it until we can stop! Sailor's Island is only about five minutes away!" Please don't have an accident, Dyne thought.

"Ha ha, Aika is gonna pee her pants! Aika's gonna pee her pants!" sang Vyse.

"You better shut up Vyse! I'm sitting right next to you, it will get on you, too!"

"Ewww no way! Stay on your side!" he pushed her away.

"Stop touching me!" And "The Farmer In the Dell" played in the background.

Thank god, thought Dyne as they pulled into Sailor's Island. He grabbed Aika and ran with her into a restaurant called Polly's Place.

"Excuse me, where are the bathrooms? It's an emergency," said Dyne

"The bathrooms are only for customers sir." The woman must have been Polly, she was standing behind the counter wearing an apron.

"I said it was an emergency!' argued Dyne. "She has to pee, and you're not going to let a sweet little girl like her use your bathroom!" He dropped Aika on the floor. She ran into the bathroom. Everyone was staring.

"Don't you give me any attitude! I'll knock you out!" Polly brandished a ladle menacingly.

"Oh, right. Look lady, I don't want any trouble. Aika is just going to go to the bathroom, and then we'll leave."

Polly walked around the counter slowly. "I SAID the restrooms are only for paying customers!" She poked Dyne in his chest with one of her perfectly manicured red fingernails. "So what can I get for you?" she looked very dangerous. Behind them, Vyse walked through the door.

Dyne was feeling a little stressed, first of all because the last thing he wanted was to get beat up by a woman in front of his son, and second of all, because he could see his wanted poster smiling down at him from the wall behind the bar. He put on a fake smile. "Vyse, do you want anything?" he asked through gritted teeth. Everyone in the place turned as one to stare at Vyse.

"Uh…" Vyse said intelligently. He had been trying to look small and not stand out. Polly turned her attention to Vyse.

"Picking a fight with a woman in front of your SON!" she shrieked, shaking the aforementioned ladle at Dyne, splattering him with soup. "Just what exactly are you trying to teach him!" She rushed over to where Vyse had turned to run away and swept him up in her ample bosom. "Poor little boy! And so skinny! Your father," she shot a dirty look at Dyne, "he probably starves you! Come let Auntie Polly fatten you up!" She pinched his cheeks.

"I'm not really hungry…" started Vyse.

"Nonsense! You probably haven't had a decent meal in days! Someone should report your father for child neglect! Honestly…" She busied herself pouring a glass of juice for him. Dyne was fuming silently to himself as he picked up Vyse and slung him over his shoulder.

"Vyse, we're leaving now!" He was quite red in the face.

"You put that child down right now! You are an unfit parent, you…you…MONSTER!" screeched Polly. She threw the ladle at him. Dyne moved out of the way so that it hit Vyse in the face. He squealed and clutched his nose as the door slammed shut behind them.


End file.
